Heavy burden

I'm fat. 

No, really I'm fat. BMI-wise, I'm considered obese. At 5'8", I am as of today 199.6 lbs. I've hovered around 200 for months. It seems to be my new normal, and I hate it. 

This time last year, I was doing pretty well on a keto diet. I actually got down below 180. And then Covid happened, I had to work from home for about 3 months, and I gained it all back (and then some). It is amazing how much work it is to lose 20 lbs, and how easy and fast it is to gain it back. 

Most of my life, even after kids, until my mid 30s I hovered around 140. I thought it was "fat" at first - I was about 125 before I had Joey. Not from trying; I was just tall and naturally thin. After I had kids, I liked those curves so I decided I was comfortable with 140. But over the years the weight has crept up month after month, year after year. And here I am with 60 lbs that I hate - and I don't just hate the pounds, I hate myself for them. 

I used to feel bad for people who hated themselves over their looks. Aren't we more than that? But here I am doing it - and some personal problems aren't making that any easier. I read an entry on a forum the other day that was something along the lines of: feeling as if being fat is a moral failure can seem worse because it's so damn visible. Lots of of bad things people do - abuse, theft, just being an asshole in general - you can't see that on a person. For all you know, anyone you meet is pretty good or pretty bad. But a fat person - well, for most of us it's because we eat too much. And it's never something we can hide - it's always there. We feel guilty for taking up space in a world where if we'd just do better, we wouldn't look like this.

And yes, I know there are all kinds of reasons for being overweight but I think the vast majority of us is: it's because we eat too much (and I'm not getting into the reasons for that). And it's so hard to change it because it is a thing that brings me comfort and joy and it's so EASY. 

But man, I hate being fat and I sure hope the things I'm doing help me stop being fat.