Up and down

I think blogger dates these things...but I don't know if it updates that if I ever go back and edit (which I am prone to do). So it's a Wednesday, December 2, 2020 at about 5:20 a.m.

I've been awake since about 3 am. I was exhausted last night, went to bed at 8, so that might have something to do with it. I was feeling off and cranky when I got home from work. 

Anyway since I couldn't sleep, I put the ear buds in and fired up a Marc Maron podcast, where he interviewed Michael J. Fox. Before the interview, Maron lamented that people thought he was exploiting his grief over his partner who died. And at the end, he performed a song he'd written about his grief for her. The entire experience - the interview with a fixture from my childhood, and the bookends of grief-talk - left me contemplative and not a little sad. The song was so beautiful I began crying. And I was angry that anyone thought he was "exploiting" his grief. We're damn lucky he shares it.

I've been down a lot lately. But not all the time. I'm cycling more often than I want to, and it worries me. I fear I'm difficult for loved ones to be around. And yet I do take care of them, and often feel my efforts aren't noticed. So I feel bad but I feel justified, if that makes sense.

Michael J. Fox said that gratitude makes optimism sustainable. And I believe that with all my heart - it's just really hard to do sometimes. I don't have much to truly complain about - my life is not currently very difficult. At least, no more difficult than anyone else's during this time of Covid and a weird life we never anticipated becoming normal. And yet I find reasons to complain, and as I mentioned to friends, I don't know if it's chemical or real or what. I worry I'm pushing away the man that I love, because I fear he will leave eventually. That he's not "in this" enough. Even though he's given no real indication of that. Just my fear of me compromising so much that I won't just meet in the middle, I'll go so far to his side that I won't even be able to see home anymore. 

I had a dream last night about a man I used to date. In my 4 single years, I dated a lot, and not many made an impression and hurt when they left. This one did, and I still see him from time to time, driving his FedEx truck in my part of town. Consequently, I do think about him often. I no longer feel what I did, but I still feel something; there is still a residual, niggling hurt that lack of resolution will probably never allow to die. So he showed up in a dream, in a social situation I'd have thought I'd be friendly to him in. But our eyes met, and I promptly ignored him. And he looked sad...and it was satisfying. 

I just want to get through today...I say that a lot lately. And I do get through them, more or less intact. I wonder how long I can.