Where to go from here

Where DO I go from here? I'm in limbo land, unsure of where some things are headed. And it makes uneasy and sad, and I could take care of that by making a difficult and dramatic decision. But I won't. Not yet. Because I still want to see what might happen. I still want to know if he might Choose Me.

I'm at a strange place in my life; only one child living at home (one is on his own; another is living with his father) and I probably have more options than I ever had, in a variety of categories and for a variety of reasons. And I simply don't know what to do with it. Maybe I'm wasting it, but I'm just so damn tired. 

I think what I need is to be well and truly scared, in a good way. Do something new and different and terrifying with the real possibility of falling and failure. But for once, my life is not ruled by uncertainty and chaos, and I kind of like it that way. Perhaps it makes me boring. I'm nothing if not dependable. 

But for now I will probably just enjoy my wine and my books and the relative peace and calm.

It's been a minute

It's funny how things can decline or improve so quickly...and yet, sometimes it just takes time to know if it will stick. That's where I am right now - mostly ok, trying to believe in something that can last. I'm taking it one day at a time.

Today we get rid of Donald Trump as President, and I am incredibly happy about it. His entire "reign" has been nothing but chaos and failure. I don't know if Biden will be much better - that remains to be seen. But it's hard to imagine he will be worse. 

I spoke with a good friend of mine about the cult-like quality of Don's fan base. They are willing to destroy relationships and family ties for a man who simply does not care about them - and they are unwilling to consider reason, logic, or truth. It is very much like losing people to a cult and it's been heartbreaking. I'm lucky it hasn't happened to me with Trump-loving family members but I have very dear friends who are dealing with this very thing. 

So I look forward to the inauguration today, and after the horrible events of Jan. 6, I just hope it goes on peacefully. 

Battle weary

I've gotten really, really good at pretending when I need to. But this time, the melancholy persists. I suppose that's what happens when you find out that truths you felt were fundamental to your life aren't your truths at all. I made assumptions based on assurances made to me, and was caught unaware when those assurances turned out to be false. 

So here I am, trying to pretend that everything is ok until someone else can help me, us, make better sense of it. Because I simply can't. My heart is bruised and bloody, and it didn't have to happen. 

I spent a long time not being so authentic. I lied my share. Misled and mistreated. And maybe this is just karma coming back to slap me in the face, and if so, I can't say I don't deserve it. But not from him...I never expected it from him. I wonder if he's ever really had to pay for the way he mistreated the ones before me? I know in one big way, he has. And even that, he could attempt to fix and chooses not to.

I don't know where this leaves me. 

Still bloody.

Still bruised.

But for now...still here.