Battle weary

I've gotten really, really good at pretending when I need to. But this time, the melancholy persists. I suppose that's what happens when you find out that truths you felt were fundamental to your life aren't your truths at all. I made assumptions based on assurances made to me, and was caught unaware when those assurances turned out to be false. 

So here I am, trying to pretend that everything is ok until someone else can help me, us, make better sense of it. Because I simply can't. My heart is bruised and bloody, and it didn't have to happen. 

I spent a long time not being so authentic. I lied my share. Misled and mistreated. And maybe this is just karma coming back to slap me in the face, and if so, I can't say I don't deserve it. But not from him...I never expected it from him. I wonder if he's ever really had to pay for the way he mistreated the ones before me? I know in one big way, he has. And even that, he could attempt to fix and chooses not to.

I don't know where this leaves me. 

Still bloody.

Still bruised.

But for now...still here.