I feel the need to preface this by saying I just finished watching the stand-up comedy special by Hannah Gadsby, "Nanette." It definitely made me think and brought me to this place of the things I need to say today. She talks a lot about art history (majored in it in college) and how throughout art history, women are depicted in two ways: the virgin or the whore. A bit chilling, and I'm no art history expert, but I'm 43 years old and I get it in a societal-view way.
Virgin.
The first time I had sex was on my wedding night to my first husband in 1995 (I assume it was before midnight - I remember it taking a long time to get "in the mood" and being very nervous, and having a few glasses of wine to loosen me up - my idea, not his). I had saved losing my virginity for marriage willingly as an act of love to him, or so I was taught by my religion. In a way, it was not an easy thing; I loved him and was attracted to him and had lots of sexual feelings for him in the 3 years we dated before our wedding. Though in some ways I do not regret waiting, in other ways, I do. The wait was a social construct, and perhaps it was not so loving to him to have to wait that long. Or me, for that matter. But I was told and taught that having sex outside of marriage was doing my future husband a huge disservice and betrayal, and I believed it. That, I now believe, is horribly wrong.
Cut to 20+ years years later. I had just split from my 2nd husband, and met a man named Chris (I really have bad luck with guys named Chris...I am amused by this, more than anything). I met him on Craigslist, of all places, and responded to his ad. We met and hit it off. I was in a very bad place; I wanted to feel desired and connected with someone. I found him incredibly physically attractive, and mentally we connected well, too. And so on our first real date (the 2nd time meeting), I slept with him. And the next day he was very quiet, until he told me that he was looking for "someone of substance." Women who sleep with men on the first date are not, apparently, substantial.
I, of course, was crushed. How was I not a person of substance? Oh, because I slept with him so soon after meeting. It apparently did not occur to him that he was as willing a participant, but for him, it was a "guy being a guy." In his words, if an attractive woman presents herself to him for sex, he isn't going to turn that down. But if there is no actual relationship, it means she is not worth a relationship. It never seemed to occur to him to reverse the tables and view it from my perspective.
I think I encountered this same attitude in the last man I dated, coincidentally named Chris. I say I "think" because I am not 100% certain about it, and I could be wrong. This Chris and I also hit it off right away, actually the very first time we met (which was a "real" date). I slept with him that night, because I was having fun, and I connected well with him, and ok, it had been awhile since I had had sex with anyone. It was time. Over the course of the next few weeks, sex with him was, for me, about connection. I had genuine feelings for him, and my desire for him was as much about intimacy as sexual desire. But I came to find out later that was quite one-sided. It was never about connection for him. When he broke up with me, one reason he gave was that his ex-wife (who cheated on him and left him) slept with him on their first date as well. I suppose his logical conclusion was that if we stayed together, I'd cheat on him just like she did. Because women are not supposed to want and participate in sex like men do.
Whore.
That's what we are when we, as women, like sex, and participate in it in the way that men do. When we have sex with a man we're not in relationship with, we're whores. Men, at least not middle aged ones, tend not to want a true virgin (although their attraction to younger women might suggest otherwise). But they will judge a woman they don't necessarily "like" as a whore if she behaves sexually in a way they don't approve of (but don't they LOVE the experience she brings!). They will even use it as excuse to get out of being a with a woman they don't particularly want a relationship with because it's easier than saying, "I'm just not into you." Why they think that is beyond me, because it is incredibly insulting, not to mention seriously damaging. And I think that was what Chris #2 did, but not on purpose; he wanted a way out, and thought reasons - even reasons that might not really be HIS reasons - would make it easier on me. He now knows - at least I hope he does, because I told him, and he's read this blog - that it was not any easier on me.
And so more than one man, without saying it in so many words, has branded me a whore. Oh, they'd both deny it in their privilege and ignorance and "look-at-how-socially-aware-I-am" selves. But I know, based on my own interactions with them, how they really viewed me. I'm not the virgin, so I've gotta be the whore. Those are the choices society has given them to determine who I am to them.
Except I'm not. I don't "give" my sexuality to anyone any more than they are taking it from me. And I think they'd agree they "took" nothing (and I would too). I have never been coerced sexually; every time I've ever had sex, it was because I wanted to (or at least I chose to, for whatever reason...I recall a session or two when I was trying to conceive that I didn't really want it, but I wanted a baby!). It was always that I wanted to do something that felt good with someone with whom I liked doing it. And sometimes, but not always, it was about connection and love.
It's been awhile since I've had sex...almost two months now. I wonder if I'd be able to have it casually anymore, because Chris #2 taught me about having sex for connection and love (he just didn't know it, and certainly didn't feel it). But whether I do or don't has nothing to do with my value as a female human being.
I've been reading a lot lately about incels - involuntary celibates. Men who hate women for not wanting to have sex with them. They blame women for their feelings of inadequacy - that somehow they "deserve" our love and our sex. They never stop to think about whether women might sometimes feel that way too. And it does go both ways - women who can't seem to get a date feel less human, less worthy, than their coupled-up friends. We think there's something wrong with us. But there isn't...being part of a couple just means you've found someone who feels about you the way you feel about them, and I wish people understand the complexity and less-than-ubiquitousness about that (I can't say rarity, because it's not technically rare, but it's also not everywhere either).
So...let's all just be human. Neither virgins nor whores, losers or winners at sex and dating. We are people with so much more to offer. And for any man who hasn't figured that out yet, I am not the woman for him. I know this now. And I hope he knows he is not the man for me, wherever he is.
