Not like me

I feel so sad tonight. It is not like me to be sad on Valentine's Day. Even though this is my 4th one single...every year, I just let it be a celebration of all love, not just romantic love. But tonight I cannot shake how alone I feel. How physically and mentally and emotionally tired I am. How I do so many things for so many people...I make arrangements and pay bills and provide transportation and do favors. And yet it feels like very little is done for me.

I had some promising partners in the last year...and they left. They just left. I am not enough. I am not good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, whatever...I'm just not enough.

I am just kinda done with everything right now. I know this will pass and tomorrow I will probably feel right as rain.

But tonight...tonight, I cry.

Hazy

I love the way bad memories recede. I like knowing that even when I go through painful things, someday, they won't hurt so much. I know this. Things that had me in tears and tailspins even 3 and 4 weeks ago now hold very little power over me. The disappointment lingers, but the pain is gone.

For that I'm grateful.

I don't know if or when I can weather more pain like that. It's really hard hoping and believing and having it all crumble almost as soon as it begins. It's difficult not to believe there's something very fundamentally wrong with me.

And yet I keep dusting myself off, and trying again.

This used to be so easy - falling in love. Now I honestly don't even know if I'm capable of it, and even if I am, if there is any man on earth who could fall in love with me.