Tonight on my evening walk, I was contemplating how very slow I have become...I used to walk a 15 minute mile, no problem; often I walked it in less time. I did purposely not push myself tonight, so that was part of it. But I know it's age, weight gain, etc. And so I felt a little down about it.
Simultaneously, I was musing on a conversation with my best friend earlier. Her middle child, her 2nd daughter, turned 19 today. That means my own son, my youngest, will be 19 in just a couple months. It seems so hard to fathom. As I was walking, I strode by the school where he finished his time in Cub Scouts. And I thought how very fast all of that came to an end - the business of children in school, in sports, in Boy scouts and all the other things they did as young boys. For 25 years, the main part of my purpose has been serving as their mom. And not that they don't need or want me around anymore (I do spend a good deal of time with them), but it's just not as labor and time intensive as it was. And I find myself not knowing what to do about that. My youngest two are only 17 months apart, so I think that's part of it...it seemed to end so abruptly.
When they were very little, people told me all the time how it would go so fast. And I knew they were right, but it felt like some moments were just standing still, waiting for the exhaustion and massive labor exertion to be finished. But here I sit, contemplating how very fast it DID all go, and wondering how in the world 25 years could feel like a minute.
I don't know what comes next and I'm a little adrift lately. I don't know what I want or what I can do, but I find myself restless and ready for a change. Maybe it's just middle age; maybe it's believing I get to finally have a life of my own.
But I hope it slows down a little while I figure it out.
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